From this year, there is something to give me fear. It is death. I am always nervous and anxious when I hear the serious news and see terrible fine dust every day. Although I have been taking medicine for several months because of a cold and nausea, I’ve been filled with the fear and worry thinking that “What if I would die early? If so, my kids would grow up without a mother.”
Every day I spray disinfectant in my house, wash my hands and force my children to be cleaned. I am almost like a clean freak. Because I wash my hands too much with a sanitizer, my hands are getting peeling and flaking. More seriously, before I go to sleep, I even worry that “Would I survive tomorrow?”
The reason why I am so filled with the fear of death is because my mother died because of lung cancer when I was an elementary school student. So I worry that I would die too like my mother because cancer would run in my family. I am so afraid of death. So I misunderstand God’s heart and I am struggling with escaping a death date that I anticipate.
I take care of three sons, parents in law and even uncles. I do lots of households. And I check fine dust. When a certain disease is prevalent, I am so nervous and alarmed like I prepare a war. So I tend to be angry at my husband and kids. Even though I decide that I would not misunderstand God’s heart again after mission training and prayer training, I feel frustrated that I am not changed. Even though I attend worship where a famous pastor leads and go to prayer meeting, it is not effective.
One of my acquaintances recommend that I read “God’s heart which I wrote in a faith training. The word of love and compassion is written repeatedly in my note. John 3:16 “”For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” I said “Amen!”
God’s Heart is Love and Compassion
I could believe that I created in God’s own image that God designed me with God’s heart and God created me to make a joy and love relationship with me. I realized that God has worked for me to let me know his heart, love. The reason that I am still alive is because of God’s work. I am the person who confesses that Jesus is my Lord, but at the same time hates suffering and is always afraid. I have no hope. Thus, I can’t help confessing that “The Lord is my savior and the son of God.” Matthew 7:9-10 “Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?”
My Lord is good. I hope that the relationship between me and the Lord is the relationship between parents and children not between a master and a servant. I want to believe in the Lord who saved me, gave me the gospel so that I would be born again. During the intercessory prayer, I regretted that the time that I had spent with the fear of death and regretted not thinking that there are lots of souls who are dying and don’t know Jesus. Now I decide that I will go forward to see the Lord bravely like David who boldly fought with Goliath and like Joseph and Daniel who trusted God despite of several crises. My faith is based on the victory that our Lord already wins.
I will never give up this fight because the Lord guarantees the victory. I repent that I misunderstood the heart of the Lord and I live my life as what I want. I confess again that there is glory and life after death and pray to feel every day that “I die but the Lord lives and works in me”. I believe in the Lord who says “love”. I only expect my Lord.
Yoon-Mi Kang
