After I came to the training center to be trained for faith, I got chance to serve as a cook of the month. Even though I tried to serve with the mind to receive more Words of God, what revealed were only my own enthusiasm regardless of faith and an image of being a servant of sin.

‘Am I walking with the Lord? No!’

When the thoughts came up in my mind, I found myself being angry, changing complexion like Cain in the Bible. I was getting angry to the Lord when things were not like my mind. I knew that I could unite to the fact that the Jesus died on the cross, but I couldn’t unite to the fact by faith.

If I cannot believe it right now, would I leave it? No, absolutely not.

While I was serving as a cook of the month, the Lord gave me the Words

“For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit” (Romans 14:17).

I asked to the Lord about the kingdom of God. It was because I was in pain of myself obsessed about food.

In the meantime, I remembered a tough time when I desperately sought the kingdom of God with the words “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” (Matthew 6:33).

So, I made a decision to seek the kingdom of God instead of to seek what I want, when desire of my body comes up. True peace and joy came over me. After that, bread the Lord gave me became so good.

In such process, I decided to keep wrestling by faith until I can believe what I know in my head and my soul would confess “Amen.” I determined to go through until the Words of the Lord to be my conclusion even when my feelings do not say so.

Whiling cleaning kitchen clothes, suddenly the question came up

‘Am I doing with the life of Jesus?’

But the Holy Spirit said that is a stupid question and reminded me of the lyrics of a hymn, “Jesus Christ who has been in my eyes, in me already.”

He made me realize that I am the life of Jesus all the time after I’ve been crucified with Jesus Christ, whether I can feel or not. Regardless of it, Jesus has been within me!

From that time, I was wondering why the desire of the body stands firm even when Jesus is with me. God taught me not to pray for my desire, but taught me to acknowledge the Sovereignty of God, appreciate the situations he allowed and what is given to me, and to pray that he pours on me the mind that he sees as right. So, I really started to seek those things.

It doesn’t depend on success or failure of my faith the fact that I am the life of Jesus. But it was that Jesus himself is my righteousness, happiness and peace when I believe in Jesus, Immanuel.

‘What a feeling to taste and see the Goodness of the Lord!’

However, I should not forget that how easy I am to fall down, and I should not stop going forward to the Lord with humility, seeking the mind of the Lord. I praise the Lord who has pity on me, forgives me and makes me to stand before God every moment by his love.

Chan-Yang PARK

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